I’ve heard it a thousand times before.
“I’m just not emotional.”
I’ve heard it as a pillar of relationship conflict.
As a source of pride.
As a standing joke at men’s expense throughout media.
I also have the same response each time.
Bull$#*!.
Sorry, grandma.
Men are emotional. They just aren’t expressive.
There’s a difference.
Boys don’t cry. Men don’t show weakness.
We idolize stoicism. We bury emotions.
We hide everything under the guise of being strong.
But in the end, it begs the question: is it working?
Men die by suicide at about four times the rate of women, and many describe feeling isolated and disconnected.
Many men are living the way culture says they should, and it’s costing them relationships, joy, love, peace…
So I’ll offer you this: I’ll happily recant my position the day you introduce me to a man who, on his deathbed, is at peace having lived his life this way.
I haven’t met one yet, and I don’t think I ever will.
Why?
Because stoicism is often misunderstood as being emotionless. What it actually teaches is to be emotional under control. It’s about feeling anger, love, joy, passion, frustration… AND knowing how to let those feelings do the work they’re meant to do.
Feelings are meant to help us fully experience our lives and, importantly, to teach us.
Joy teaches that we are safe, and experiencing something good.
Fear teaches us something is dangerous.
Anger teaches us something is broken.
Guilt teaches us we didn’t like how we handled something.
Pride teaches us that we did.
When feelings are ignored, compartmentalized, or buried, they can’t teach us, and we can’t learn. Not the good, and not the bad.
As an extreme example, consider a rare condition called congenital insensitivity to pain with anhidrosis (CIPA). People born with it don’t perceive pain or temperature, and they can’t sweat. Many don’t survive childhood, and few live past age 25.
Feeling pain isn’t an inconvenience. It’s a requirement for a healthy life.
Our other feelings aren’t less important.
Feeling joy is what brings us back to safe places.
Feeling love is what keeps us connected to others.
Feeling anger is what motivates us to make change.
Feeling pride is what helps us keep moving forward.
Whatever feelings men have, they were made to have.
Men are emotional. And that’s a good thing.
But if you’ve spent your life believing you shouldn’t be, making a change can be really challenging.
If you want a practical place to start on your own, start paying attention and stop fighting your feelings. They aren’t your enemy, and – worth noting – they also aren’t arbiters of objective truth. They are trying to bring your attention to what you’re experiencing.
And if you don’t know where to start, just reach out.
Disclaimer: if you’re actively in crisis, please call or text 988 (the National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), call 911, or visit your closest emergency room.